Dr. Poplove

I’ll be documenting crazy shit that happens to me in Far Cry 3. Note there are no screenshots for the first entry because I hadn’t planned this. Doom on me.

Underwater Flanking

I was doing a side mission which involved using some shotgun to hunt down a bunch of rabid dogs. Being the badass that I am, I took care of them with ease. All of a sudden, I heard the unmistakable sounds of gunfire. RATATATA. And not the Pokemon. A fight between my dudes and the enemy broke out across the nearby river. Nobody saw me, so I jumped into the water from a small cliff. I stayed underwater until I made it to the other side, nearly losing my goddamn breath. I surfaced like a motherfucker, and immediately stabbed the nearest enemy from behind. No honor in that, only skill. The thug beside him finally noticed me, so I introduced him to my shotgun. BANG. He didn’t seem to enjoy the company. I quickly took the bastard’s AK 47 and went to town on the remaining enemies. Piece of fucking cake.

Pussy Shenanigans… I Mean… I am SO Manly

Right after my beyond manly flanking maneuver, I noticed a gap in the cliff from which I jumped. With the excitement of a fat kid finding cake, I swam towards it. The damn cave got darker the deeper I went (much like your mother’s vagina), so I turned on my trusty flashlight. I spotted some loot and took it for myself, not wondering how or why it got there. As I turned to leave, my flashlight went out, and the terrifying musical cues scratched my hairy balls. I panicked for a split second but the trusty flashlight came back on. Phew. I proceeded to casually swim out of the cave, and as I did, I had a split second of FUCKING FREAKING OUT MAN. An asshole alligator had attacked me. Or was it a crocodile, who gives a fuck? As I stabbed the shit out of him, I certainly didn’t. The damn crocligator pissed me off so much that I skinned him underwater. As I resurfaced, I noticed a beautiful goat on a nearby patch of wonderful grass. He was peacefully grazing, the moonlight glistening off his marvelous coat of whatever the fuck goats have. I shot him, skinned him, and would have done the same to his friends if it weren’t for some bad guys.

2 cunts must have heard me shooting, so they came to investigate. I went into full ninja stealth mode, and was running a circle around the suckers. They were going to die before they even knew where I was. Suddenly, cunt A spotted me. He opened fire and I took a few hits. So that’s the way they wanted to play. No problem. I charged at them with my AK 47 and it was all over in a couple of seconds.

Zip-line Into Battle

I was just minding my own business (hunting cute animals for their skin and shit) when 2 fuckers jumped me. I managed to hide in the tall grass, and waited for the bitches to cross my field of fire. One baddie did, and I sent a silenced burst his way (again, much like your mom). All of a sudden, I was being shot from behind. Motherfucker B was flanking me. Shit, I got too cocky. Before he could send me to my grave, I hacked him down. I decided to get the fuck out of there, so I jumped on a nearby jet ski and headed for the closest radio tower in the distance. I scaled that bad boy and got rid of the jamming chip on it like it was nothing. The zip-line from the tower led to a rocky beach with an enemy truck on it, so I decided to go for it. They were about to get a full serving of Rambo. 

By the time I got to the beach, the truck had driven away. The fuckers would live for at least another hour. I heard a nasty growl nearby, so being the manly man that I am, I ran towards it. A goddamn leopard was chilling on the beach, apparently taking in the sun. I did the only thing a man could do in this situation, I blasted him to kingdom come. Somehow, the animal didn’t go down. He charged at me and had himself a nice bite before succumbing to a rain of bullets. Luckily for me, some nearby junkies heard everything.

I hid behind a boulder as the morons fanned out. I took ‘em out one by one, each from the back with my silenced pistol. Thinking the job was done, I moved into the open. Once again, my enormous dick got the better of me. There was another man left, taking cover near a beaten down car. His shots scratched my balls a bit, but the fucker dropped like a stone after a single shot to his meth-smoking skull.

Stay tuned for more stories!

This post contains no spoilers.

Background Information:

• Mass Effect 3 comes out to highly positive reviews.
• Many players find the conclusion extremely unsatisfactory.
• Some take it to extremes, creating petitions and filing legal complaints. The backlash is one of the biggest in the history of gaming.
• Dr. Muzyka of BioWare says that the team is checking out feedback and looking to address some issues through DLC.
• Many have jumped to the conclusion that the ending of the game is being changed.
• Everyone is ready to riot (even the folks which dislike the ending).

Hold On

The whole Mass Effect 3 situation can still go both ways. I understand that things are not looking good, but nothing has happened yet. We need to take a deep breath and calm down. Instead of immediately sharpening your pitchforks, you should read Dr. Muzyka’s entire post. Nothing in his statement says that the ending is being changed. Should we believe him? That’s up to you, but I doubt that the parties involved do not recognize what a catastrophic effect this change would have. Below is what could happen.

Scenario A: Everything Goes Downhill

• BioWare releases new content which changes the ending or makes it irrelevant.
• They expect you to pay for it.
• The artistic integrity of the game and studio is compromised, and the backlash becomes even more significant.
• The business side of it sets an ugly precedent (though some other companies have already tried selling endings) and everyone is seriously screwed over.
• BioWare murders millions of puppies and babies.
• Fanboys and fangirls cry.

Scenario B: Everything is Fine

• BioWare releases DLC which features story tidbits about what happened. Some characters offer their views on the events that took place, there are news reports, etc.
• Dialogue or ambient storytelling is used to offer references and small pieces of information about the conclusion. By default, any information or speculation by the in-game world cannot be hugely significant because fans will riot.
• Alternatively, BioWare directly continues the story through free (unlikely) DLC and, –again– does not negate the ending.
• BioWare does not murder puppies and babies.
• Fanboys and fangirls still cry.

What Does This Mean?

I just did what everyone has been doing in reaction to Dr. Muzyka’s announcement; I speculated. There’s no way to know what will actually happen, but the apocalypse has definitely not arrived yet. I’m not saying we should look at this situation and assume it will turn out great, I’m saying that we can’t jump to conclusions at the present. Assuming the worst is always easy. What’s going to happen to BioWare, Mass Effect 3, and video games? Only time will tell, but the ending and the response to it will always be remembered.

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In this article, “outsider” refers to a video game player that does not play sports games and does not follow game-specific sports.

Having 2 teams of 11 men or women chase and kick a ball is an art to some. To others, it’s boring. Fucking boring. These people would prefer to see grass grow or to watch paint dry. Maybe they sometimes live on the edge and catch a final here and there. So can this type of video game fan enjoy sports games? This is your lucky day if you’re a lazy bastard because here is the short answer: it is possible to enjoy sports games without enjoying the sport they are based on.

I think the chances of an outsider picking up the latest copy of FIFA or Madden for the heck of it is minimal at best. There needs to be some sort of external force, good or bad. In my experience, this force is typically a friend of the outsider. If an outsider is going to extract any enjoyment from a sports game, there needs to be some sort of an incentive or guide. Duh. I should point that I will be focusing on “complicated” sports games. I will not be discussing pick-up-and play titles such as NBA Jam, they’re a different kind of beast.

Scenario A: Top Spin 4

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Lightning Round is a feature in which I list random thoughts on a particular topic. If you agree or disagree you can post your musings in the comments section. Get it? Good. I like you.

Spoiler free thoughts (boooo):

• Garrus continues to be awesome.
• Combat scenarios are a lot more fun than ME 2. You can’t win every battle by being stationary.
• Turret sequences are entirely lame (but when are they ever good?).
• I’m surprised at how much content you can potentially miss out on due to character deaths in ME 2.
• No vehicle missions is fine by me.
• The voice cast was great, thought Shepard still speaks with a weird or inappropriate tone at times.
• The Salarian feces easter egg on their planet is one of my favorite moments.
• Ashley still sucks. A lot.
• There were too many fetch quests for my liking, but I enjoyed all of their story tidbits.
• Man, I love the Mass Effect universe.

There are spoilers in all of the following bullet points (spoiler free zone returns after the last bullet):

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